I’m back for my second one! I think I’ll just jump into something a little heavy and a little too introspective. Proceed if you want to basically read someone’s journal. (I would love to read someone’s journal, so go for it)
I’ve been in a real slump the past couple of weeks. I’ve stopped working out, I’ve been eating anything I want, and my mental health is taking a real blow. I know they are interconnected to a degree, and I know if I took steps to improve one of them, they would all kind of follow. But there is a difference between knowing and doing, and I just can’t seem to bring myself to do the later. Maybe tomorrow. Which is my attitude about a lot of things. Maybe tomorrow. Which is why I’m probably where I’m at in the first place. It’s a dangerous attitude and not a very constructive one at that. But at least I’m not ignorant to it and I have some level of self awareness. I think that may be harder to attain than the action part, so at least I have that in my favor.
I’m struggling. As I’m sure many of us are. But not many people publicize this part of themselves, for obvious reasons. It’s hard to lose your ego and admit that you have flaws and you aren’t living at your optimal capacity or living up to your optimal potential. I kind of feel a little preachy right now, but I’m just saying how I feel. I’m finding it’a a lot easier to write my feelings than speak them. Everything comes out the way I want it to.
I feel lazy, and I think my mental health has a lot to do with it. I am very accurately my own worst enemy. I’m sure many people can relate to that, and I aspire to be one of those people who can’t. I want to be some free spirited beautiful human being just living their life, but I feel I am tethered down by fear and less than adequate mental health.
(Wow, I’m actually writing this stuff on the internet. Eek.)
I’ve just recently pinpointed that fear aspect. I had never really thought that I was scared of anything. I mean, I’m scared of big rocks that I could fall on while hiking the mountains and gash my knee open and then be stuck in the wilderness and not be able to get help and bleed out until finally I made it to safety just to make it to the hospital where I would have to get stitches put in my knee only to be walking one day for them to rip open and then I will have to go back and get more stitches and I will never be able to enjoy hiking again without ever taking my eyes off of my feet, missing everything surrounding me. And that’s what fear does. Makes you miss everything surrounding you.
And I’ve been discovering that I’m afraid of a lot of things. And I hate that I can so easily own up to that now. I can no longer just say, “Uh, I’m scared of rocks”. Now I’m scared of talking to people, I’m scared of being rejected, I’m scared of feeling inadequate, I’m scared of embarrassing myself, I’m scared I will be lonely, I’m scared that I won’t succeed or make anything of my life, and I’m really, really scared that I will be stuck suffering from this fear for the rest of my life and that I will miss what is surrounding me. That I will live my life in fear.
But I know there is nothing to be scared of. I know this. I just have to face it.
My internet blog. 