Binge.

I have an addictive personality. I have very low self control. I binge food, television, sleep. I use these things to fill out my emotions and to hide from them and run. I can’t seem to run fast enough. Once the binging is done I have all of the same feelings, plus the unfathomable feeling of guilt. I feel so guilty always. Did I want to eat the fries, pint of ice cream, pasta, cookies? Well yes but no. I don’t want to use those delicacies as comfort. I want to be strong mentally to the point where I can just take some deep breaths and be fine. I don’t want to turn directly to food. I don’t want to waste my days binge watching tv, but I do it.

Rumblin’ on.

I’m currently sitting on the edge of my bed with my window open, watching the storm. Listening to it. The lightening is unreal. I can tell that I’m getting a little more scared of storms than I used to be. They can be so destructive and I’m sure they have caused many people trauma.

The rain is starting to pick up and I can hear it fall on the leaves outside of my window.

The sky goes from being a deep gray to a bright white within seconds and then rumbles on. I hear people driving and I wonder what their perspective on this storm is. I wonder if they’ve gotten more scared of storms lately, too.

The warm contrast between my sight of my room and the storm together is soothing.

I would like to.

So if you’ve read my previous posts, you would be familiar with the fact that I have made quite a habit out of basing my happiness on self improvement. I’ve somehow convinced myself that in order to be happy with myself, I first have to be perfect in every aspect. I know self improvement is a good thing, and so is the desire for it. But it could also be kind of a trap. I say this because I am stuck in the future. I am stuck in the “what ifs” and “if onlys”. Anyway, with that being said, I want to list some of the things I believe I should improve on and some practices I should implement into my life. This is my ideal self:

I would like to be a vegan. I want to do what is best for my body and be the healthiest I can be.

I would like to do yoga and meditation every day. I would love to build a strong mental, physical, and spiritual foundation to work with.

I would like to be cultured and go to many places around the world to soak in every detail of what’s going on around me.

I would like to be outgoing and easily make connections with people.

I would like to be a part of a community.

I would like to go to the gym multiple times a week and feel myself getting stronger each day.

I would like to write blogs on movies I’ve watched and my analysis of them (maybe I will).

I would like to be more natural in my beauty and hygienic routines.

I would like to be an activist for things that matter.

I would like to always practice mindfulness.

I would like to help people who are suffering.

I would like to be more creative.

I would like to discover more of myself.

I would like to drink ayahuasca and purge all of my inner most troubles.

I would like to read books that inspire me.

I would like to have close bonds with people whom I have a connection with.

I would like to rid of my anxiety and bouts of depression.

I would like to be mentally stable and mentally strong.

I would like to believe in myself.

I would like to live somewhere new so I can start over and redefine who I am.

I would like to feel 100% comfortable being myself, and never wonder who that is.

I would like to smile more and feel more carefree.

I would like to discover what I’m good at.

I would like to be a better person with each day that I gain. But for some reason I can’t seem to consistently make any of these things that I would like to do happen.

Fear of rocks.

I’m back for my second one! I think I’ll just jump into something a little heavy and a little too introspective. Proceed if you want to basically read someone’s journal. (I would love to read someone’s journal, so go for it)

I’ve been in a real slump the past couple of weeks. I’ve stopped working out, I’ve been eating anything I want, and my mental health is taking a real blow. I know they are interconnected to a degree, and I know if I took steps to improve one of them, they would all kind of follow. But there is a difference between knowing and doing, and I just can’t seem to bring myself to do the later. Maybe tomorrow. Which is my attitude about a lot of things. Maybe tomorrow. Which is why I’m probably where I’m at in the first place. It’s a dangerous attitude and not a very constructive one at that. But at least I’m not ignorant to it and I have some level of self awareness. I think that may be harder to attain than the action part, so at least I have that in my favor.

I’m struggling. As I’m sure many of us are. But not many people publicize this part of themselves, for obvious reasons. It’s hard to lose your ego and admit that you have flaws and you aren’t living at your optimal capacity or living up to your optimal potential. I kind of feel a little preachy right now, but I’m just saying how I feel. I’m finding it’a a lot easier to write my feelings than speak them. Everything comes out the way I want it to.

I feel lazy, and I think my mental health has a lot to do with it. I am very accurately my own worst enemy. I’m sure many people can relate to that, and I aspire to be one of those people who can’t. I want to be some free spirited beautiful human being just living their life, but I feel I am tethered down by fear and less than adequate mental health.

(Wow, I’m actually writing this stuff on the internet. Eek.)

I’ve just recently pinpointed that fear aspect. I had never really thought that I was scared of anything. I mean, I’m scared of big rocks that I could fall on while hiking the mountains and gash my knee open and then be stuck in the wilderness and not be able to get help and bleed out until finally I made it to safety just to make it to the hospital where I would have to get stitches put in my knee only to be walking one day for them to rip open and then I will have to go back and get more stitches and I will never be able to enjoy hiking again without ever taking my eyes off of my feet, missing everything surrounding me. And that’s what fear does. Makes you miss everything surrounding you.

And I’ve been discovering that I’m afraid of a lot of things. And I hate that I can so easily own up to that now. I can no longer just say, “Uh, I’m scared of rocks”. Now I’m scared of talking to people, I’m scared of being rejected, I’m scared of feeling inadequate, I’m scared of embarrassing myself, I’m scared I will be lonely, I’m scared that I won’t succeed or make anything of my life, and I’m really, really scared that I will be stuck suffering from this fear for the rest of my life and that I will miss what is surrounding me. That I will live my life in fear.

But I know there is nothing to be scared of. I know this. I just have to face it.

I don’t write.

Hi. I’m new to this. My name is Kiley and I’m 21 years old and have been consistently trying to figure my life out for about 4 years now. That’s what I do. That’s one of my biggest faults.

Anyway, in this blog I hope to be able to get some of my ideas, thoughts, feelings, and so on out of my head and into the universe. And the internet. For all of you to read and hopefully relate to (maybe like one person will read this).

I don’t write, so this won’t be the most exquisite blog you’ve ever laid your eyes upon. It probably won’t even make sense at times because I don’t know if I even know how to use correct grammar or punctuation (only semi-joking (also I’m a big fan of the parenthesis (and even the inception parenthesis))).  But none of that really matters because this is for me, not you! Trying to self develop/improve/grow and all that business, as per usual.

I have however, always wanted to write. I don’t talk much, and I do think some. So writing seems like the perfect way to express myself because talking to people about my true feelings and thoughts seems a little ridiculous and very scary. Sometimes I do it but not often, so I’ve got some things in this head of mine that should probably be sent into the world via internet blog.

I think I have decided to kind of just say what comes to my head when I’m here writing, and I will treat it like a journal that people can see if they want. So I’m probably not going to tell you about every juicy detail of my life (don’t worry there really aren’t any) but I will try my best to be as transparent as possible. This is a good learning tool for me, with my self discovery obsession and whatnot.

Well, I’m excited internet blog. See you soon.